my 3 yr old son is very aggressive

[kitkat]

I am 33 weeks pregnant with twins and i have a three year son.
My three yr old son goes to daycare about 3 days a week. He used to go full time but his behavioral problems where getting worse and worse. From not listening to the staff to hitting, kicking, and pushing his friends, and also screaming and running wild throughout nap time. After they told me they might have to kick him out we worked out having him go in 3 days a week, and he started doing much better. Recently he has started up again, and this time it's kind of disturbing me. Not only has he been doing all of the above once again, but he has now started to choke his classmates. So far he has done this two times, the most recent time he choked a little girl. The teacher said that when he did it he chased her over behind a bookcase and sort of brushed her hair back and then proceeded to put his hands on her neck. She said his face looked very blank and she was just very shocked, about his expressionless face. He seemed to have purposely wanted to hurt this little girl for no reason at all. As soon as she went up to him he had stopped and he said he was sorry like that was the right thing to say. A few minutes later i arrived to pick him up at his scheduled time when i got there the teacher talked to me about the situation because she was concerned about the aggressive non remorseful behavior he had just displayed. Soon after we brought my son into the office to talk with him and i tried to ask him why he hurt his friend and he said he didn't want to hurt his friend and he is sorry. I of course told him that it is never okay to put your hands on your anyone, especially on their necks, and that i never wanted him to do this again. Needless to say i am very concerned about this kind of behavior, I don't know really what to do. I am worried that when his brothers arrive he might try and hurt one of them. I am thinking that he is acting out because he knows he is going to have two brothers and doesn't really know how to express himself completely, and he isn't sure what it means to have two brothers in the first place. I just need some advice about how to handle this.... I am also concerned how and where he learned this behavior from.

[goodenoughmother]

I would work with him on expressing his feelings. Play act with him and model ways he can appropriately express anger or other strong feelings. I work constantly with my son by showing him to stomp his foot on the ground, instead of hitting his sister, when he's mad at her. Or hit a pillow, etc. I also work with him saying short phrase, "I'm feel mad because I want that toy." and then I show him how to ask, "please, when you're finished can I see it?" I feel like I go over this 20xs a day but re-direction does help ease the aggression, and I think it's easier for them to understand what to do with their strong feelings as opposed to just being told, "don't hit or choke your friend". I do think they know this isn't appropriate but they need to also be told and shown an alternative--and practice using that alternative, over and over again.

Also, talk to his teachers and find out if there's a pattern going on--is he more apt to be aggressive late in the day when he's tired or hungry? If so, pack extra snacks so teachers can watch for signs and then offer snack.
I would also be reading books to him about having new siblings in the house. The pros and cons, so he knows what to expect and can maybe talk about his negative, apprehensive feelings with you, to better prepare for when they arrive. (My daughter 6 y.o. still has moments of extreme jealousy with her brother 3 y.o. I tell her it's okay to have those feelings but to talk to me in private about it, to avoid hurting her brother's feelings.)

Hope some of this can help. Keep us posted!
goodenoughmother