What does being present with a child look like?

[Alba]

Being present with your children what does it look like and how does it benefit them? Take a look!
http://www.aplaceofourown.org/watch_...hi&pl ayer=rp

[goodenoughmother]

I sat down to be with my 15-month old son and made a conscious decision to simply observe him. I cleared my mind and watched...I realized that there is an impulse to help him when an object falls away from his grasp. I stop myself and see how he handles the situation. He looks at me and points to underneath the sofa. I tell him, "The ball fell under the sofa." I actually don't think he's asking for help; if he wanted it he would reach for it. He walks away. Then comes back and bends down and reaches. Again, I stop myself from helping and he grunts and stretches and he pulls the ball out from under the sofa. I watched the whole process and nothing was in my mind except what was going to happen? Did he really want the ball? Was he going to retrieve it? Simple thoughts but ones that connected us in this moment.

--goodenoughmother

[milflores]

Thank you for sharing the story above, as described by our
viewer, "goodenoughmother." All too often, we adults tend to
impulsively or reactionary-wise, want to help our young children
during situations of "challenge" or what may seem as "needing help."

However, sometimes, when we just act as an "observer,"
and leave a child's play or experience uninterrupted, we can take
the cues and learn from them. Put in another way, e.g., through
an "observer" role, we respect the space and boundaries of children,
and in effect, send the message that taking risks and learning through
trial, is part of life's learning.

Thanks for sharing, and I hope others share their experiences
and special moments with their children, and what benefits
arise from their own personal experiences. Everyday, I always find
something to learn from children, while being in their company.

Eager to hear from our viewers out there,
Milflores
(Advisor/Educator)

[milflores]

Hi everyone,

The other day at school, 3 four-year old boys enjoyed playing with
"putty" (a mass made out of glue, water, food coloring, and Borax).
Anyway, I hung an empty strawberry basket suspended from the
ceiling to see what would happen. The boys filled the basket with
the putty, and guess what? After 5 minutes or so, the putty started
to stretch downward like "icicles!" Anyway, some parents came in,
laughed, and commented how they would probably not allow their
children to use the (messy) putty in their own home. I commented
with a "Oh, look, they're having soooooo much fun!.....and besides
they're going to clean it up afterwards."

The message is that when a child is at play, all the laughter,
fun, and wonderment is priceless! So even if things get totally
messy (I mean really messy, with putty flying on the floor!),
it's o.k., so long as they take part in the cleaning process.
So stand back, enjoy, and laugh along with them. It sure is
a nice way to start the mornings, I might add.

If you have a story to share, ps. write in. We are eager to hear from
our viewers.

Milflores
(Advisor/Educator)

[goodenoughmother]

My 16 mos. old son is at that time when he's testing boundaries and wanting more independence. When I need for him to do something, it's so easy to fall into that frustrating arch of asking him, then being denied or ignored, then forcing him, then a tantrum starts.

I was reminded by a wise friend, that my child is also asking me to do something when he's doing everything except what I want them to do! He's asking me to be with him in the moment. What I see as non-cooperative behavior, he might see as uncooperative also. She suggested that if I first acknowledge what he's seeing, hearing, or doing, and then make my request, I'm not disregarding what he feels is important.

We were in the park the other day, and nap time was nearing. We needed to go and my son picked up a friend's toy. I started to tell him, no we need to go, it's not time to start playing with a toy and he was starting to protest and protect the toy from my grabbing hands. Then I stopped; took a deep breath; and said, "you like that toy?" He shook it as a response. "Well, we have to go now, do you want to put the toy in the basket or hand it to Mary?" He toddled over and handed it to my friend. A struggle was diverted and it was about being in that moment, not already racing to get home for a nap, but about being in that moment together and having two people's needs met, satisfactorily.

I'm continuing to do this in every little and big request: brushing teeth, getting dressed, sitting down to eat, etc. When he wants to go and look at something, I follow him acknowledge what he's interested in and then remind him we need to finish dressing. It's working for a smooth relationship and helping me realize, yes my need is for him to get dressed but his need is for him to find out what that toy feels like. Being present can keep struggles to a minimum as your awareness strengthens.

--goodenoughmother

[Alba]

In addition of keeping struggles to a minimum I think that by being present you foster a relationship that is respectful and sensitive to each other's needs. Also by acknowledging that he is feeling something and is interested in something you validate his feelings, he has a right to feel sad and upset if he does not want to let go of a toy he likes that is fine he has a right to his feelings. When you acknowledge that he liked a toy it puts both of you on the same page so he may not feel he needs to defend it so much anymore and more importantly he knows that his mother understands how he feel. Lastly choices, I think they are very important and empowering for children. Adults are always telling them what to do so when they are given choices they are empowered to do what they want (or so it seems as adults control the choices) and it creates less struggles and more cooperation. I truly enjoy reflecting on the interactions we have with children and particularly reading about the interactions families have with their children. I hope to hear more stories.
Best wishes,
Alba

When you are present with a child, you enjoy them right where they are at. Your countenance, body language and the things that you say let them know that you care. You become someone that a child loves, looks up to, and learns from just by being there.

[JRhope]

OK, I have a quick story. My son, who has difficulties w/aggression, was in the mall with me just a couple weeks before Christmas. He spotted the Pet store and made a bee-line for it. I ensued and found him in awe of a Dwarf rabbit. "Can I have it MOM,PLEASE!!!!"he asked? I said No, that we already had animals, and his father would say no. The tears started streaming down his face instantly, and he was soon screaming and throwing himself around like a rag doll on the floor. I calmly explained that his screaming and carrying on was WHY we couldn't get something so small and precious. He pleaded and pleaded.
I had never seen my son react to an animal like that before, and was quite amazed that it made such an impact! I called his father on the phone so my son could ask, and held my breath. My husband and I agreed that "Rabbity" (her name) had to be treated nicely and never hit or thrown! He looked in my eyes and said," I PROMISE". I watched him play and love the bunny in the store for over an hour, and now it's been four months and "Rabbity" still soothes my son and lights his face up as they chase each other down the halls of our home!

[Alba]

I have heard a similar story from a teacher. He said he had difficulty with a child with hyperactivity. The child paced in the classroom and did not sit down long enough to complete class work. The teacher had rescued a rabbit and the child seemed fascinated. He told the class that they would have to sit with the rabbit and be gentle to have the privilege of holding him. He then noticed that the child with hyperactivity would sit for long periods of time with the rabbit. Little by little he extended the time the child sat in his seat and eventually required him to complete class work before petting the rabbit. I think there is a bond that happens when a person is with a tame animal. I loved petting my rabbit and after a stressful day I longed for a moment with him in my lap.